Ill Repute
by spero spiro
Summary: AU. With no memory of himself, Roxas is taken to live in a halfway house for other runaways, abuse victims, and orphans who don’t seem quite normal… AxelRoxas
1. Prologue

**Ill Repute**

**Note: So, this is what happens to me when these stupid muses of mine go on overdrive. At least I hope people are enjoying the ridiculous production levels I'm currently working at. My hands are going to get sore! I am, however, now participating in a Kingdom Hearts RPG, so I can at least channel some of the need to write into that, so I don't kill myself. This story is the first attempt at a multi-chapter story since I got back onto this kick, and I don't anticipate it being very long. It'll be somewhere between five and seven chapters, will likely (hopefully!) be finished by the time I get back home… **

**Warnings: Angst, angst, angst. Axel/Roxas pairing. Course language. Adult situations. Mature subject matter. **

**Disclaimer: This disclaimer will serve for the entire story… The characters from the Kingdom Hearts franchise are NOT mine, so please don't sue. The song "Half-Jack" is also not mine, but it belongs to The Dresden Dolls, and it is the inspiration for this story, hence the lyrics at the beginning of each story. **

**Description: ****AU. With no memory of himself, Roxas is taken to live in a halfway house for other runaways, abuse victims, and orphans who don't seem quite normal… AxelRoxas **

**Prologue**

"He's awake, sir." The young doctor carefully shut the door to the boy's hospital room. "But I'm not sure he's ready to talk to you."

The officer had been sitting patiently outside the room for hours, waiting for her to simply tell him that the boy was awake. "That's fine." He stood up. "I suppose I can ask him questions later on."

She took in a breath, pausing to think. "Officer… I want to discuss something with you."

The man raised his eyebrows and stared down at her. "Yes?"

She looked around. "Could we talk in my office?" She waved him down a corridor and led him into a pristinely organized office, considering the stacks of folders on her floor. She gestured to the seat across from her desk and sat on the other side. She picked up a folder from one of the stacks on her desk and opened it up.

"I'd like to discuss Mr. Thomas's case with you, Mr. Leonhart." She sifted through the papers in the folder, pulling out what appeared to be a full description of the boy's status. "Have you found anything about the boy's family?"

Squall stared back at her. "I'm not sure I can discuss this with you… Doctor…" He looked down at the nameplate on her desk. "Doctor Gainsborough."

The woman stared intently at him. "It's in the best interest of my patient, sir… I really would like to share some of my findings with you."

"We've contacted them already. They said he ran away from home… I wanted to talk to him about it."

"Well…" She looked down at the paper. "Mr. Thomas has severe amnesia, induced by psychological trauma. His body is covered in wounds, both old and new, and scars that precede those. He seems to have endured brutal abuse for at least five years or more. His medical files, which I requested be transferred here from his regular hospital, indicate that he has a history of injuries, none of which were investigated."

Aerith took a long breath, trying to soothe her nerves. Her dream had always been to become a doctor and help people, but sometimes the people who came in to be helped had such tragic stories that it became difficult to bear. "Amnesia to the extent that Mr. Thomas is experiencing is psychological in nature… A defense mechanism of repression, in reaction to physical, and quite possible emotional, abuse."

"I… see." He sighed and laid his head on his hands. "I imagine that the physical evidence on the boy is enough to prove abuse… If what you say about his amnesia is correct, then it's enough to remove him from the household." He shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "This is going to get messy, Doctor."

"I know. It's worth it, though, if it can help him." She released a sigh and looked out the window. "Roxas Thomas is not the first abuse victim that's come to this hospital, Officer, nor will he be the last. Sometimes you can't prove it. Sometimes you can."

"I hope, for your sake, Ma'am, that his case is of the latter group." Squall stood up. "I'll have to go to the station to interview his father, anyway. I'm sure we can do something to investigate this. I'll be in touch." He nodded to the woman and left her to sit in her office.

Another sad sigh slipped through Aerith's lips and she stood up again. It was a short walk to Roxas's room, and she stepped inside slowly. He was looking out the window.

"It's a nice day." He spoke, not turning away from the window.

"Yes… It is." She acknowledged, pulling up a chair to the side of his bed. "Roxas… I have something I need to talk to you about."

He turned to look at her. "Is that really my name?"

She picked up his wallet from the side table. "Yes." She opened it up and pulled out an identification card with his subdued face staring back from it. "This is yours." She handed it to him.

He examined it for a moment. "Roxas… Thomas…" He gave the card back to her. "That's not me."

She blinked, but took the card back. "Doesn't it look like you?"

He looked back out the window. "Maybe a little… but I don't look that jaded, do I?"

She looked down at the picture again. The boy sitting in front of her did not look as hopeless as the one in the picture, that was certain. Maybe he seemed blank and emotionless, that was normal, but he was not hopeless. "No, you don't."

She breathed in slowly, looking out the window with him. "Roxas… things are going to get a little crazy in a few days. I've talked to the officer who is in charge of your case as a runaway, and made him aware of what I feel has happened to you. What we discussed earlier…" Her voice was calm, soothing even. "I want you to know that, no matter how bad it gets and how much you may not understand, that you may come talk to me whenever you need to."

There was a long silence before Aerith stood to leave. "You should rest, Roxas. You'll need it to recover well." She was almost to the door before Roxas replied.

"Thanks, Doctor Gainsborough."

**End Prologue**


	2. Blank Slate

**Ill Repute**

**Note: Chapter one is being posted with the prologue because they were written at the same time, and once I have them, I didn't feel much like waiting to post them. I won't pretend, in this story, that I know loads and loads about halfway houses (especially since I'm using them in the way they exist in the United Kingdom), but I am fairly proficient with my defense mechanisms and the psychology of amnesia (Not getting a degree in it, but I know enough to write this). **

**This story is, however, an alternate universe and if I'm taking liberties, forgive me. The place this story is set is in Destati, which you may notice has a blending of many cultures within it. For example, Halfway houses set up by the government, but for the same purpose as those set up by the Church of England in the United Kingdom; some customs seen around the world in some Arabic, Asian, and European countries (such as removing shoes at the door); legal systems that don't jive with the way things work in the "real world" of whatever culture you live in, etc. This is my disclaimer concerning the content… This is the world of fan_fiction_, and I ask you to work with me and just accept that I do not yet have much legal expertise, and that, regardless of that, I certainly don't want to go learning it verbatim simply for the sake of a fanfic. I have, in the past, received criticisms of my alternate universe stories because they werent one-hundred percent accurate the way things are in the "real world", and I certainly hope not to see that here. **

**Warnings: See prologue.**

"_Half underwater, I'm half my mother's daughter. A fraction's left up to dispute. The whole collection, half off the price they're asking, in the halfway house of ill repute." –The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter One: Blank Slate**

And things really had gotten insane for Roxas. The next week passed in a blur before he was released from the hospital and into the care of Officer Leonhart and his partner, Officer Strife. The week passed with impromptu interviews with both the officers, the visits of well-wishing friends he didn't remember, and many, many questions.

_Crazy_ didn't even begin to describe the way the week had passed for Roxas, and though he had been overwhelmed, Aerith had taken care to come visit him every evening so he could talk things out with him.

The law system was insane in Destati, but when he was released, he was taken to the police station, interviewed properly, and assigned a social worker better suited to look after him. He waited quietly in the room for half an hour before the door finally creaked open and Roxas looked up from the table.

"Good to meet you, Roxas." A woman in her late twenties stepped into the room and set a black briefcase on the table. She pulled out a chair, tucked her jaw-length hair behind her ears, and sat down. She flashed him a subtle smile. "My name is Garnet Alexandros. I've been assigned to your case, and I wanted to come meet you."

"Interview me." Roxas corrected.

Garnet only laughed. "There's no need for that, I promise. You've been interviewed quite thoroughly, I think, and I've been well briefed." She opened her case and pulled out a few pieces of paper. "What I'm really here for, Roxas, is to discuss your future." She looked up at him for a moment with piercing eyes.

"I've spoken with Captain Beatrix Steiner, the chief of this precinct, about your case, and she's agreed that you may fare best with your peers. That is, we've agreed that you could be most prosperous in a halfway house here in Destati. You'll resume your schooling, after a few tests, at a new school."

Roxas swallowed. "Oh. Okay."

She smiled again. "Roxas, I would be more than happy to hear any of your thoughts. You will be seeing a great deal of me in the future, and anything you think or feel is important, I would like to know. If there's anything I can do for you, I will."

Roxas inhaled slowly, thinking carefully. "I can't think of anything."

"Alright. I know today's been long, but I'm going to drive you over to the halfway house you'll be staying at. The man who runs it is a good man, and very fiercely protective of his wards." She stood up. "It's going to be okay, Roxas."

Roxas inhaled slowly and stared up at the woman, Garnet. He was sure things were going to be okay. He was only tired, and weary, and overwhelmed, and everyone else was telling him where he had to go and what he was going to be doing. If it weren't for the explanations of Doctor Gainsborough and the proof all over his own body, Roxas would have seriously wondered what could have been so bad as to make him run away.

Things were just too complicated.

He followed Garnet out into the parking lot and climbed into the passenger seat of her car. The drive wasn't very long, and when they parked in front of what appeared to be a very, very large, old house, Garnet touched his hand softly.

"You've got a chance to try again, Roxas. Your slate is clean and blank and waiting for you to decide what you want to do with your life."

Roxas nodded slowly, and unbuckled his belt. They climbed out of the car together and unanimously walked up the sidewalk to the door. Garnet rang the bell and it was only a scant few seconds that Roxas had to brace himself for whatever awaited him when the door was opened.

"Ah, it's you Garnet." A calloused voice grated over Roxas's ears from surprise.

"Yes, it's good to see you, Cid." She accepted his silent invitation to come inside and walked in, sliding her shoes off as she entered.

"Yuh'd be th' new kid, huh?"

Roxas looked up, not allowing confusion to spread over his face. He had expected a quite gentleman, much like Garnet was, but male. Instead, a tall, blond, rough man with a stump of a cigar in the corner of his mouth stood, holding the door open.

"Um… Yeah." Roxas muttered, staring at his shoes.

"Well, come on in, then. Dun need you catchin' nuthin'." Roxas complied and stepped inside, mimicking Garnet and removing his shoes.

"Damn kids these days… Dun know how to listen to nothing. Gotta be summat wrong with 'em." Cid muttered.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Roxas cried indignantly. Cid only laughed at him and shut the door.

"I bet that's the firs' bit o' personality yuh've shown all week."

Roxas blinked, then shook his head. He wasn't sure he'd get used to the man's brash attitude, but he imagined he'd have to if he was meant to live here. He felt a squeeze on his arm and looked up.

"Cid's a good man, I told you. He's a bit rough around the edges. Just wait a bit and you'll see."

"The rest've the damn kids are around the house. Dun need to give you a tour, 'cause you'll get the hang of it soon enough and I reckon you dun need that right now." He led them through the house. "But you should at least meet a few of 'em while I talk to the little lady about paperwork and all that shit." He walked into a room with a large table to the right of where Roxas was standing.

"Down th' hall yer standin' in and to the left's the kitchen. There's bound to be one or two in there." He called out to Roxas before shutting the door.

The boy stared up at the ceiling, then over to the stairs to his left. He sighed and walked down the hall. The walls were hardly barren, but covered in pictures of teenagers Roxas assumed to be the residents of the house. He took in long breath after breath and when he stood at the kitchen doorway, he saw a group of three boys sitting around a wooden table.

One looked up and brilliantly glowing green eyes locked with his. "Who the hell are you?" He demanded of him.

Roxas stared back at him as intently as the redhead's gaze was on him. "Me? I'm nobody."

The boy howled with laughter. "No one's just "nobody". Who are you?"

This was not something Roxas really felt up to. One of the other boys, who looked just a bit older than Roxas, looked him over intently. "You're the new kid." He stated simply, and then looked away again.

The redhead stood up and walked around Roxas, examining him closely. "You sure, Zex? I didn't hear anything about anyone new."

"That's because you don't pay attention." A third boy interjected, and Roxas was stunned by the surprising resemblance the boy had to a chicken. His hair stuck up at the top, and then fell into what could be nothing else but a mullet in the back.

"Shut up, Demyx."

Roxas only stood stationary just outside the doorway. He wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but he certainly wasn't sure how to deal with it. The redhead turned his attention back on him and continued looking him over.

"What's your name, then?"

"Roxas."

"Roxas…" The redhead seemed to be thinking over his name. "Huh." He stuck out a hand, which was oddly covered with black gloves that echoed the rest of his outfit. "I'm Axel." He peered into Roxas's eyes, then trudged back to the table and sat back down. Roxas noticed that his limbs were just so _long_, and Axel seemed to fill up much more space than he physically could, because he wasn't just lanky, he was ridiculously _skinny_.

"You don't have to just stand there, you know." Axel was staring at him again. Roxas fidgeted under his stare.

"I know."

Demyx rolled his eyes. "He's telling you to get your ass over here and sit down. When'd you get here?"

The blond took a few heavy steps to the table and sat down in one of the wooden chairs. "Just now. That big blond guy's talking to the lady."

Axel laughed again. "The lady? Who is she?"

"The one that was assigned to me."

"And she's talking to Cid." Axel finished for him, since Roxas was obviously not very big on talking. "Must be doing paperwork." He shook his head and leaned over the table, where Roxas was sitting across from him, propping up his head on his hands.

"So, where are you from, _Roxas_."

"I don't know."

"Ooh, sounds like you don't want to talk to us."

"No, I just don't know." Roxas found himself becoming increasingly annoyed. He was very tired of explaining things to people.

Demyx was very clearly trying to catch Axel's attention, but the boy was not to be distracted. "Ah. Well, if it's like that, then I guess we can move on to the next question."

"You know, I'm really tired of being asked questions all the time." Roxas snapped.

"Touchy, touchy." Axel laughed again, and Roxas felt a strong urge to punch him. That cynical laugh was really going to get on his nerves. "I just want to know what's wrong with you."

"You're an idiot, Axel." The second boy stood up and, as he passed Roxas, looked down at him. "I'm Zexion, and I'm sorry for him." He jerked a thumb toward Axel, who looked insulted. Zexion ignored the sputtering indignation from Axel and walked out of the room.

"Well, now that he's gone…" Axel looked back at him. "I ask again. What's wrong with you?"

The chair screeched against the floor as Roxas stood up. "Not nearly as much as you, asking that question." His eyes burned with anger that had been building up all week as he was ushered through the legal system and treated as another case or another number. Maybe Roxas wasn't sure who he was, or where he came from, but he certainly wasn't just a number or a textbook case of whatever it was that had happened to him.

Demyx was trying even more animatedly to gain Axel's attention, but failing miserably. He leaned over to him. "Axel, this is really a stupid idea. Why don't you _listen_? He doesn't want to talk about it."

Axel batted him away. "Well, in case you didn't already know, Mr. Nobody… This place isn't just any kind of place for runaways, or orphans, or victims come to." His wild grin widened. "We're the ones no one else would take, because there's something a little wrong up here, see?" He tapped his index finger on his temple, and then laughed again with a little more cynicism in it.

Roxas felt his fury spike again, and he clenched his fists. "I'm not crazy." He hissed, turned on his heel, and left the room.

**End Chapter One**


	3. Half and Half

**Ill Repute**

**Note: It occurred to me while I was looking over the material I'd posted for this story, that I have only done a prologue in (now) three of my stories. I thought I'd done them a lot more. I knew there was one for _Voix_, but it's so short that it didn't have its own post as a chapter in of its own. There is one for _The Road to Hell_** **(_Walk a Path_ on this site), but that's a recent thing. Weird. Maybe I'm finally mixing up all the different stories I've written, posted, and eventually removed. I hardly remember how some of them even played out. Maybe I'm finally losing it.**

**Regardless, I am thrilled with the response I've seen with this story. It's not going to be a very long one, and the humor in some parts will still be seen, but Axel's words aren't lies, and it's only the beginning of what Roxas is about to find out about his new housemates. **

"_Half accidental, half pain full instrumental. I have a lot to think about. You think they're joking? You have to go provoke him... I guess it's high time you found out." –The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter Two: Half and Half**

Garnet stayed for a short while, but left him within half an hour to go home. She told him that she wished him the very best of luck, and told him she'd be back to see him within two or three days. Roxas told her about the statement that that kid, Axel, had made, and she looked uncomfortable for a moment, but reassured him.

"All the boys here have been through a lot, and they've formed their own sort of brotherhood… Maybe none of the other houses would take them because of their cases, but that doesn't make them, or you, crazy." She hugged him, a gesture as foreign to Roxas as the rest of his life. "You're okay, Roxas."

Cid took him to the room he was staying in, and found that, to his utter dismay, he was roomed with the Axel from earlier. It was also then that he realized that he didn't have anything at all. No clothes, no possessions, no keepsakes, no memories, no nothing. He was just an empty shell of a person with nothing that made him any different from a doll. His expression fell a bit more than it already had.

From the evidence left all over his body, the life he'd had before this one must have been really bad for him to run away, bleeding and broken, and losing his mind… It had taken a long time for him to find out from Aerith why he was even found in the first place. Roxas wondered if he'd ever remember what had happened for himself, but Aerith explained that he had been found wandering the highways around Destati, half frozen, soaking wet, bleeding, and covered in still-blackening bruises. The police stopped for him because he was weaving dangerously close to a bridge and, of course, wandering highways in the dead of night, during one of the coldest nights of rain. He was shaking violently and struggled for only a moment before collapsing from the concussion he was suffering hallucinations from.

"_The officer, an Officer Tribal, said that when he asked you what you were doing, you said you were looking for ice cream." Aerith sighed and stared at Roxas, whose head was still heavily bandaged. "I don't know what that means, but I thought I could ask you."_

"_I have no idea." Roxas said blandly._

_Aerith sighed, eyebrows furrowed in concern. "I was afraid of that." She stood. "I need to talk to Officer Leonhart, but he'll likely want to talk to you, too."_

"_Okay." Roxas looked back out the window._

He came crashing back from his memory as Cid waved a hand in front of his face. "Y'okay, kid?"

Roxas nodded. "Just…" He looked around the room. "Thinking. I don't have anything."

Cid smiled. It wasn't a smirk or mocking. It was sincere. "None of y'all do when yuh get here. I ent makin' a profit on the money the politicians give me. Gotta use it on something more'n payin' bills." He waved Roxas over to the closet, and opened one side of it. "Not much, but it's somethin' for the time bein'. We'll work on getting' yuh more here soon. An' if yer like the damn kid yer roomin' with, yuh'll have plenty here soon."

Roxas, on the other hand, was speechless. There had to be at least four different pairs of pants in the closet, hanging neatly on hangers and separated from the shirts. "I… Thank you." He whispered hoarsely.

Cid chuckled. "If yuh think that's great, wait'll yuh see we got yuh underwear, too."

Roxas stared up at him, wondering if he was serious, but saw the smile and returned it slowly. The door was opened the rest of the way, and in walked the redhead, Axel. Roxas tensed, but there was a cheerful smile on his face.

"Damn, Cid, you let me miss it!" He seemed in a mood considerably improved from before. He turned and gave Roxas a bright, sincere smile. "Clothes are the best part of new people. It means the most, I know." He sat on his bed, with a satisfied flop. "I even got to pick out some of your stuff." His smile was widening as he continued. "Mostly the black stuff, though."

Cid shook his head and headed for the door. "Ah'll see both of yuh at dinner." He told them and left.

Roxas stared at Axel apprehensively.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Axel's smile faded into a serious look. "Hey… you said your name was Roxas, right?"

"Yeah. You said you didn't know I was coming."

Axel frowned. "I know. I promise that I did, though. Cid and I worked hard to get everything ready for you. Zex doesn't need to know that, though. You won't tell him, will you?"

Roxas blinked. "I guess not." He was confused, and as he slowly moved to sit down on his bed, he gave Axel a wary glance.

Axel's eyes fell. "I'm really sorry about earlier. It just kind of… happens sometimes. I don't mean to be like that." He laughed nervously. "Not the best of ways to start off, huh?"

"…Yeah." Roxas turned to face the wall.

There was silence from the other side of the room as Axel stared at his new roommate. "I didn't mean to make you mad."

Silence.

Axel sighed. "Roxas… there are a lot of things that have happened to everyone here. If it makes it any easier, which it easily may not, I ran away from home." He laid out on the bed. "I don't know what it was… I just couldn't take it anymore. My brother's in the system, too… He got a foster home, though."

He sat up, but Roxas stayed silent and facing the wall. "You're going to hear a lot of things, Roxas…" He began, then turned to stare up at the ceiling. "There's something that you're going to have to know, and deal with, since you're my roommate." He stood up and touched Roxas's shoulder. "Roxas?"

"What?"

"No matter what you hear about me, because I know there's a lot of things that a lot of people say, please remember I'm not going to hurt you."

Roxas rolled over and stared emotionlessly at Axel. "You're fucking insane, you know that?" And he meant it. "First time I meet you, you poke into my problems… If I'm here, I've got a reason for it, hm? Doesn't mean I want to talk about it. And then I'm living with you, and I find out that you're… I don't know. Bipolar, or something, and you're cheerful, and then moody, and I don't know what the hell is wrong with _you_, and I don't know how whatever happened to me stacks up against it, but I really, really don't want to be dealing with this right now."

Axel stared at him like he'd been slapped, then stepped back away from Roxas's bed. The same cynical grin slowly spread over his face. "I guess it's time you found out first hand, then." Roxas watched in stunned silence as Axel changed from the cheerful, friendly teen to something he didn't understand.

"It's like this, Roxas… You don't piss me off. Don't get in my way, and I won't get in yours." Axel was very close to his face. "Or I'm going to do you like the person that got you into this place did." He meant the evident, still black bruises and bandages that littered Roxas's body.

Roxas stood up angrily, and shoved Axel back. "This is what I meant." He hissed, glaring at him. "It's like you're some kind of two-faced son-of-a-bitch without any kind of hold on his emotion, or rage, or whatever."

Axel only laughed, a mild touch of insanity ringing in it. "You got it dead on." He took another step toward Roxas, fully ignoring any personal space preferences Roxas may have had. His green eyes were flashing dangerously, warning Roxas that anything could happen at any given moment.

Roxas wasted no time waiting to find out what would happen, balled up his fist, and delivered an enormously powerful right hook to Axel's jaw. Disbelief flashed on his face as he stumbled back, cupping his jaw, which was going to have evidence of bruising the next morning. He stumbled further back onto the bed and sat down on it, expression changing to one of penance.

"I…I'm sorry." He stood up and headed for the door.

Roxas was entirely lost on what had just happened. "Axel, wait…" He took the two strides it took to reach him, and stared up at him. "I don't understand."

Axel chuckled, but not in the frightening, dark way that he had only moments before. This time, it was somewhat sad, and a little ironic. "Two sides of the same coin, I guess. I just… I have some rage issues. Like… Like you said, a bit bipolar. It's weird… I don't usually get like that twice a day… I can't…" Axel shook his head.

"I can't believe I forgot those fucking meds today."

Roxas bit the inside of his cheek. He didn't really know how to react.

"Hey, don't look like that. I understand if you want to move out." His voice said that, even if he understood, he knew it was his fault and he didn't like that.

Roxas swallowed. "I'm not." His voice was hoarse. "I'm not moving out. I'm staying here." He wasn't entirely sure _why_ he'd chosen to stay with him, but he did. Maybe they really had started out on the wrong foot. He liked the nice Axel, once his earlier presumptions were tossed unceremoniously out of the ring.

Axel looked up, green eyes widening. "You… are?"

Roxas nodded. "Yeah." He held out his hand. "I'm Roxas… Roxas…" He thought for a moment, trying to remember the last name that was on his ID. He sighed, pulled out his wallet, and then took out his ID. "Roxas Thomas." He read aloud, before putting the card away and tossing his wallet onto his bed. He then shoved his hands in his pockets, giving up on shaking hands, and stared at his shoelaces.

It took a second for Axel to piece together the scene that had just unfolded, and then the answers Roxas had been giving him, and then… the way Demyx had been trying to warn him to shut up about what was wrong with him.

"Fuck." He sighed, running a hand through his hair as everything clicked into place. The bruises. The cuts. The scars. The obvious evidence of abuse… which could lead to...

"Dissociative Amnesia." Roxas supplied Axel's thoughts. "At least… that's what my doctor at the hospital called it."

Axel blinked. "You can't remember… anything?"

"Nothing of me, at least. Normal activities, sure. Lessons, sure… but…" Roxas didn't know why, but he was embarrassed. "But nothing of who I am, or where I come from, or my family, or… anything."

Axel didn't know what to do. He was afraid that if he looked away, Roxas would interpret that as rejection, or if he stared, the blond would feel like he was a freak on display. Apologies weren't enough in this case.

"Axel, we've all got problems here, right? We all had to have run away or ended up here somehow. Whether it's because we ran away, or were abused, or orphaned, or a combination of those… We're here… And we're in this together." Roxas wasn't sure where the words were coming from. Maybe he was just trying to make this Axel feel better for being such an ass before.

Maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better about the situation.

There was silence for a long moment, and then Axel released a sighed laugh. "I think _he_ likes you."

"He?" Roxas echoed.

"The other me…" Axel stopped and shook his head. "I mean, we're the same person… It's not like I've got a split personality… It's still me… I just have some issues with the control and the rage and… I still refer to that part of me like it's someone else. _This_ is the real me… He's just something that happens sometimes when things get too bad. And you're the only one that's ever stood up to me like that, when I get like that… Only one who could snap me back. Even that side of me can respect that."

For a brief moment, Roxas wondered why they were bonding themselves together so tightly just after meeting… But then it occurred to him that this place was exactly what it was called. A halfway house.

Everyone who lived there was halfway between one life and another.

Everyone was halfway disconnected from society.

Everyone was halfway lost in a world they halfway didn't understand.

And, Roxas decided, if you wanted to survive in this halfway limbo, you had to meet everyone else halfway.

**End Chapter Two**


	4. Dissent

**Ill Repute**

**Note: I am completely overwhelmed by the simple amount of writing I've done lately. I'm actually really proud of myself, and I'm happy. This trip is amazing for my wellbeing, and I can't thank each of you enough for reading this story (I'm actually surprised how well it seems to be doing) and supporting this story with your reviews. Thank you.**

"_It's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong. You'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too… long ago, in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back. I'm half jill and half jack**."**—The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter Three: Dissent**

It was another five days before Roxas saw Garnet again, and when she did come, she was aflutter with apologies. The way she seemed so flustered, Roxas quickly figured out that something was wrong. She was talking idly about something that didn't matter when Roxas interrupted her.

"Garnet…" He looked up at her curiously. "What's wrong?"

She looked up from her disorganized stacks of paperwork. "Hm?" Her eyes were clouded and vaguely bloodshot. "Nothing, Roxas." She looked back down.

Roxas stared at her. She was obviously lying. "Garnet, something's wrong."

She sighed and slumped forward, laying her head in her hands. "Roxas, your case is very complicated."

"I'm sorry for causing you trouble, then." His voice was sad and sincere.

She shook her head. "No, don't be. I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't worth it. There's a contest of the decision to send you here by your father, who says there's no proof that you were abused at all." Her voice was low and upset. "Because you haven't come out and said that it happened."

Roxas stared, speechless. "I… But… I don't…"

"Remember anything, I know." She clenched and unclenched her fists. "Fortunately, Officers Leonhart and Strife, as well as Dr. Gainsborough, are all working hard to disprove that based on the medical evidence. Furthermore, my husband is going to put his word in on the matter."

"Your… husband?" Roxas echoed, confused.

She nodded, going back to pulling paperwork from her briefcase. "Yes. My husband is the officer who found you on the bridge, Officer Tribal." She sighed and then pulled out one final set of papers. "You also have a brother, Roxas." She seemed to have struggled with this information the most.

"I… I have what?" There was so much to learn about who he really was…

He'd been in such a rush since he and Axel had made peace and started over just days before. Since that day, though, there had been no moments where Axel's darker half burst free and tried to bully him. Then again, Roxas didn't let Axel forget his medicine, and Roxas was away taking tests to get back into school a lot of the time. It hadn't, fortunately, taken much time to accustom himself to life in the home, though he wondered if it didn't have something to do with it being considerably better than living in a hospital.

This bit of information, however, was like a blow. He'd gone through a lot within the last few weeks, which was as far as his memory stretched, and this was probably the most stunning. "I have… a brother…?" He whispered. "Where is he? Is he alright? Did you get him away?"

Garnet nodded. "He's been removed from your father's home, and is currently living in another home like this." She picked up a picture from her case and handed it to Roxas. "His name is Sora. He's your twin." She leaned back as though she were thinking. "Fraternal, from what he says, but you can definitely see the resemblance."

Roxas, on the other hand, had tuned her out and was staring at the picture of him with his… twin brother? It was unreal, but it had to be true. There he was in that picture, a boy who looked _uncannily_ like him smiling and hugging him. It was the only evidence that Roxas had that he might have had some kind of joy in the empty darkness that was the past he didn't remember. He had hoped that there was something there, and here was his proof. "Will I be able to meet him?" He asked quietly.

Garnet smiled. "Of course. You may be going to school with him. He may even come to live here. If he does, we can talk to Cid about getting the two of you to share a room. He may be able to help unlock all your memories."

Roxas's head snapped up. "I… I can't live in the same room as him." He told her immediately.

Garnet's eyebrows rose. "You can't?" She seemed concerned. "Is something wrong with your brother?"

Roxas shook his head. "No, no… I just…." He took a short breath and stared at his fingers as they traced on the table. "I can't leave Axel alone again."

Garnet looked confused for a moment before realizing. "Your roommate? He'll have another one, I promise you."

Roxas shook his head. "I want to be his roommate." He didn't expect her to understand, but he wanted it clear that he had to stay with Axel. The only thing Roxas really knew was for things to be rough and confusing, and though he and Axel had started off on the wrong foot, Roxas couldn't imagine leaving behind the only person who had taken the time to help him through… And Axel had never had any roommate last, because of the way he was. Roxas wasn't going to be like that.

Garnet nodded, making a small note. "Alright, then." She told him and looked over the paperwork. "If it's alright, I want to talk to Cid and see if Sora can be brought here." She inhaled. "He isn't showing the same signs of intense abuse that you suffered. I don't know what made him different from you… but… Something was there." She shuffled her papers and packed them up. "I'm going to be back later today… Probably with Sora." She stood up and smiled at Roxas.

"We're going to make it work out." She promised, before leaving to speak with Cid.

Roxas only rubbed his temples. He had a killer headache and as he stumbled out of the room, he ran into his much taller roommate, who seemed to have been looking for him. "'lo, Axel…" He mumbled, heading for the kitchen. Maybe he was just hungry.

Axel caught up to him within a few long strides. "What's wrong?" He inquired gently. "You aren't looking so good." When they got to the kitchen, Axel forced him to sit in a chair, and started rummaging through the cabinets. "How's soup?"

"Fine…" Roxas answered dully, laying his head in his hands. One of the other boys who lived in the home, Xaldin, walked in. He looked at Roxas, nearly laying over the table, and Axel, who was carefully heating the soup for him, and thick eyebrows creased.

"What's wrong, Roxas?" He sat down across from him and peered over the table at him. Xaldin was known for his impulsive behavior, but was just as committed to the wellbeing of all the boys who lived in the house and how they all got along as the rest of them; just as much as Roxas had found himself becoming over the past few days.

Axel sat down a moment later, after Roxas just stared at the table, and handed him his soup. "You want to tell us what happened?"

Roxas swallowed and took a bit of his soup. "I have a brother." He told him quietly. "I have a twin brother, and he's coming here this afternoon. I think he's going to be living here."

This was news to both of the others, and they exchanged glances. "Are you going to room with him?" Axel asked quietly, but Roxas caught the hurt in his voice.

"No." He replied truthfully. "I told Garnet I wanted to stay living with you." He looked straight into Axel's eyes, and the redhead was the first one to look a way, relief and something like embarrassment flooding his veins.

"Thank you…" He mumbled. "It means a lot that you'd choose me over your brother."

Roxas shrugged, trying to write it off. "I don't even know him. I know you."

Axel stared at him for a moment, then laughed and shook his head. "It means a lot." He told him, and Roxas knew he meant it.

The rest of the morning and most of the afternoon was spent in the living room with Axel, Xaldin, Demyx (who Roxas had come to like quite a bit), and Zexion, who was as quiet as ever. The five sat in quiet, only breaking the silence occasionally. They all knew it was weird for Roxas. They knew, and they were concerned for him.

"Who's he going to live with?" Axel finally voiced, not even needing to say who _he_ was.

"Me." Demyx looked up from the TV to Axel. "I haven't had a roommate since Xigbar moved out with Luxord a couple months ago."

"Oh." Roxas murmured. He still wasn't sure how he was supposed to react when Sora arrived. Was he supposed to hug someone he didn't really know? Would Sora understood? They had looked so happy in the picture that Roxas now had hidden away in his room… He closed his eyes and briefly wished that he could remember what had happened… Why did he have the scars and bruises, and Sora was apparently untouched? Roxas's head started to hurt very badly, so he quickly stopped thinking about that particular subject.

He would just have to ask Sora.

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly, and soon Roxas was ushered into a small parlor-like room, where he waited only a few minutes before Garnet came, ushering forward a teenager who looked very much like a mirror image of Roxas. A gasp was torn from his mouth when he saw Sora. He was just so stunned to see someone who looked so much like him, and yet…

Sora was just as tall as Roxas, but his face was a little rounder, his hair darker and stuck up in a different way than Roxas's, which usually hung into his eyes. Sora looked very concerned and worried when he came in, but when he saw Roxas, his eyes brightened. "Roxas!" He cried, and took a few quick steps toward his brother, but stopped short, feeling awkward. It was obvious that he wasn't sure if it was okay to hug his brother. Roxas smiled awkwardly at him and gave him a hug, which Sora returned fiercely.

"I've been so worried about you…" Sora told him softly.

Roxas looked at his twin (who he later found was a total of seventeen minutes older) and could only give him a bitter smile. "I'm sorry…" He murmured, unsure of what to say. He was sure Sora had been told of his situation. He was sure Sora understood.

Sora looked up at him with a sad smile. "It's okay. I know." Garnet stood aside quietly, watching the brothers interact. Roxas could tell that it was painful for Sora to know that he was the only one who could remember everything, though Roxas had no idea what it was he wasn't remembering.

"I'll step outside, boys. I need to give Cid the paperwork for you, Sora." The boys nodded slowly, in unison, and Garnet left, closing the door behind her. When the door was closed, Sora looked at his brother, his eyes that matched Roxas's pleading.

"I know you can't remember… But I'm so sorry…" He whispered. "This is all my fault. That you can't remember anything… That you have all these injuries and…" Sora lowered his head in shame. "I can't even apologize enough."

Roxas stared at the boy that he knew without a doubt was his brother, looking pained. "Don't say that. It can't be your fault. You didn't do this." His voice was even and soothing.

Sora looked pained. "You've been protecting me for too long, Roxas…" He bit the inside of his lip. "All these… The reason I don't have any marks is because you took it for me… And then you forgot everything, and never came home…" He stared at the floor intensely. "And all because you wanted to keep it from happening to me."

Roxas knew it would be too easy to blame everything on Sora, but that wouldn't be fair. He hugged the brother he didn't know, and wished he could. That was one thing he really wished he could recall… He supposed he could do without the horrible memories. It just felt right to be with his brother there, and he wanted to feel happy like he had been in that picture.

"Maybe I don't remember, Sora… And maybe I don't remember you as my brother, but it's not your fault. Don't think it is." Roxas managed his first real smile that he could truly remember. "Come on. You should meet everyone here." He gestured out the door, and Sora followed him into the living room, where Axel and Demyx were waiting.

Axel was the first to spot them, and his mouth fell open up on seeing them. He'd seen the picture of the twins, but it was stranger to see them side by side. "Wow." He laughed it off and held out a hand to Sora. "I'm Axel. I live with Roxas."

Sora nodded and Demyx stood up. "And, er, I'm Demyx."

Sora's eyes widened with recognition of the name. "You're the one I'm living with, right?"

Demyx nodded slowly. "Yeah." He was still trying to figure Sora out, and also was still in awe over the similarities in Sora and Roxas.

Axel looked over the two of them and motioned for Roxas. "Hey, Roxas… Can I talk to you?"

They stepped into the hall and Roxas waited expectantly. "What's wrong with your brother?"

"I don't know. Maybe he's just like that. I wouldn't know."

Axel shook his head. "No… It's the way he's acting. Like something's really bothering him."

Roxas exhaled, feeling his head aching horribly. "He blames himself for everything." He laid his fingers on his temples. "God, my head hurts."

Axel recognized the signs that Roxas was physically reacting to the stimulus of his memories. He didn't want to remember, and so it was hurting him. "You should get some rest."

"I should probably go see Sora…"

Axel took his arm and steered him toward the stairs. "Demyx probably won't shut up about his boyfriend, or something like that. _You_ should go lie down." Axel marched him up the stairs and watched him as he took off his shoes and fell onto the bed.

"Thanks, Axel…" Roxas murmured as Axel started for the door to explain things to Sora. Roxas knew it was strange that they had bonded so well over so short a time, but Axel was all he had. Axel was the only one who seemed to be constant, regardless of the mood swings and violent personality changes that hadn't happened since that first day. He reached out and seized Axel's hand, embracing him quickly before letting him go.

"Tell Sora I'm sorry…" Roxas murmured before covering over his eyes and falling to sleep.

Axel only gave a small smile and nodded. "Anything." He told him softly, sure that Roxas couldn't have heard him. Indeed, Roxas hadn't, but he was thinking something along the same line.

**End Chapter Three**


	5. Only Words

**Ill Repute**

**Note: I'm actually getting started on this chapter before moving on to the last of the four connected stories that I've been doing… I haven't been ready to write that one, yet, but there is another multi-chaptered Axel/Roxas story headed this way pretty soon. It's Roxas-centric, and the first chapter is well underway. It should be up by the end of the week, with luck. Hopefully on the 6th, and for a purpose.**

"_Two halves are equal, a cross between two evils. It's not an enviable lot. But if you listen, you'll learn to hear the difference between the halfs and the half nots." –The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter Four: Only Words**

Roxas was only awkward around Sora for the first few days while he was trying to make sense of Sora's presence in his life. Sora, on the other hand, was very tentative around Roxas and spoke very little. It was after the awkwardness fell away that Roxas found out that Sora was emphatically _not_ a quiet, tentative person. In fact, Sora was a happy, cheerful person that was always looking out for people and making sure that they were okay. And it was when he realized what Sora was really like that he knew why he would have gone far out of the way to ensure that Sora never had to endure the pain that he obviously had. It was within those days that they started going to school together. Sora would run off to his classes, and Roxas would go to his. A new norm was established, and they each made new friends.

It was a long month of chaos concerning the twin brothers and their case before things were finally cooling off. Roxas never saw a hint of Axel's rage during that month, and the redhead was probably the second most supportive person around Roxas, bested only by Sora who was the only one who begin to comprehend Roxas. Maybe it was that he and Sora were twins, and two halves of one another. He didn't know about psychic twins or anything like that, just that Sora made him feel better when he was around. Complete. It didn't matter that Roxas couldn't remember anything, Sora accepted him and told him stories and showed him pictures and read him letters and did everything to be there for Roxas. And at nights, he would return to the room and he and Axel would talk for a long time before falling asleep.

The first time Roxas encountered the rage again was on the way back from school after that month had passed. Axel had had a bad day with school, including a near miss with a fight during the lunch hour and a returned chemistry lab write-up with a miserable 52 written over the top in angry red pen. His temper was short to begin with, and he was already teetering over the edge by the time they met up after school. He waited for Roxas, and as soon as the blond caught up with him, he turned and stormed toward "home" without a word. Roxas didn't have to wait for his twin, because Sora was staying late for some blitzball thing with one of his own friends, Riku… He didn't want to take the fifteen minute walk home in silence.

"Axel?" He inquired softly to his roommate's back.

Silence.

"Axel?" He prodded again, catching up to and walking in stride with him. Or, as close to in stride as he could, because he always had to take one and a half steps for one of Axel's.

"What do you want?" Axel grumped, glowering at the cars that passed them.

"I want to talk."

"About what?"

"Today? How you're doing? The recipe for kimchii? _Anything_."

"I don't feel like talking."

_That_ was a surprise to Roxas. Axel _always_ talked; always _wanted_ to talk. "You always feel like talking." He told him.

"Well, I _don't_ feel like talking right now."

Roxas only stared. "Axel…"

Axel then turned and grabbed the blond's shoulders and slammed him into a nearby concrete wall, eyes flashing and dangerous. "_I told you I didn't want to talk._" He growled furiously.

Roxas could only stare at him. "Was today that bad?"

Axel let out a long growl and slammed him back into the wall, and this time Roxas's head hit a sharp edge of a brick and felt the rock cut into his scalp.

"Ow!" He cried. "That hurt, you jackass! What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?"

Axel only glared at him again. "I don't want to talk." He hissed and Roxas suddenly didn't know what had happened, but his lip was split wide open and bleeding everywhere.

Roxas was angry by this point and he forcefully shrugged Axel's hands off his shoulder, balled up a fist, and punched him square in the nose. Axel let out a long howl before leaping back in, nose beginning to bleed, and hitting and kicking Roxas, who was fighting back just as fiercely.

Then, very suddenly, a rough grip on Roxas's collar grabbed him and lifted him up clear off the ground. He looked up furiously to stare straight into the eyes of a tall man with a huge scar on his cheek and an eye patch over his right eye. Roxas was shaken quite violently, and he noted that Cid was doing the same with Axel.

"Yeh idiots." Cid told them, giving Axel another firm shake. The redhead glared at him. "Ah told yeh to take yer damn medicine this mornin'." He directed this toward Axel as he put him down. Axel seemed to be coming down out of his rage, but wasn't so apologetic as he had been the first time. His day had still been miserable, and he couldn't bring himself to be as cheerful as he normally could be.

"Sorry." He muttered, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"I thought you'd be a bit happier to see me, Axel." The other man told him, setting Roxas down on the ground. He looked to be years older than either Roxas or Axel, but it eventually came out that he was really no more than a year older than Axel.

"Yeah, I guess I am, Xiggy." The oldest teen scowled at him, then looked at Roxas.

"So you're his roommate, huh?" Roxas assumed that Cid had told him.

"Yeah, I am." He was still sore about the fight, and was trying to wipe the blood from his lip. He noticed with mild satisfaction that Axel hadn't escaped unscathed, and his left eye was swelling suspiciously.

"You all are lucky I came to visit from school today. Cid would've knocked your heads together if I weren't here."

Axel scowled, and as the two older men walked off, he followed silently. Roxas hesitated a moment, then caught up to Axel. Neither of them spoke until they reached the house again and Axel turned to look at Roxas.

"Hey… Look, I'm sorry. I know you've gone through a lot, and that probably--" Roxas cut him off with a raised hand.

"Shut up. It's not that big of a deal." He sighed. "I'm sorry your day was so bad. I wanted to make you feel better."

"Oh." Roxas could tell he felt like a fool.

"It happens, right?" Roxas stepped toward the door, then looked back at Axel. "It happens. Don't worry. Let's get inside."

Axel followed him solemnly, kicking his shoes off at the door and heading with Roxas toward the television room.

Later that night, when the two were in bed, Axel was stilling feeling miserable over the day, and the fight that had really only made it worse.

"Roxas?" Axel whispered over the darkness toward his roommate.

"Mm?" Roxas was halfway between sleeping and being awake.

"I'm really sorry about today."

"Dun be." Roxas slurred in his exhaustion. His lip was slightly swollen and still quite sore. There were also a few knots on his head and his chest was feeling very sore from where Axel had been hitting him.

There was silence for a moment while Axel pondered if he could really accept that sort of acceptance from Roxas. Then there was the rustling of sheets and blankets, and then Axel was sitting on Roxas's bed carefully, hoping not to sit on him. The blond was awake in a moment, and staring at Axel.

"_What are you doing on my bed?_" He asked in a quietly rushed voice.

"You weren't listening… I want to make sure you know I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it." Sky blue eyes met the emerald green of hills and then softened. "Axel, you don't have to apologize every time you get like that."

"No, but I do have to apologize for busting your lip and giving you a few bruises."

Roxas tore away his gaze. "I've had worse done before."

Axel reached over and turned his friend's face to look at him. "And it wasn't okay then. It's not okay now."

Roxas tried to look down again. Axel shook his head and turned his head so he was looking at him again.

"Argh!" Roxas cried, flailing and managing to get Axel off of him. "Axel, don't even worry about it. I'm not moving out."

Something foreign flitted over Axel's face, and Roxas didn't know how to identify it until Axel stared at him with the emotion written all over it. "I know you're not. I'm not worried about that."

Roxas hesitated. "Then what is it?"

"You."

"What?"

Axel was visibly struggling with something. He ran a hand through his impossible mane of hair, then clenched and unclenched his hand.

"What is—" Roxas was quite suddenly cut off by a finger pressed over his mouth.

"Please, don't say anything, otherwise I won't be able to."

When Roxas opened his mouth to ask what Axel was trying to do, he only shook his head. "I want to ask your permission."

"For _what_?" Roxas was exasperated. What was Axel getting at, anyway?

Axel was sitting cross-legged on the bed, while Roxas was sitting up straight and with his legs out. Axel crawled over Roxas to reach his ear, cupped his hand around it like a child telling a secret, and whispered into his ear:

"Will you let me kiss you?"

Roxas didn't scream or pull away, or even shove his friend away, only stared at him. "What?"

Axel sat with his knees to his chest. "Please don't make me repeat it…" He whispered softly.

Roxas was faced with quite a dilemma in that moment. He could pretend he'd never heard Axel calling his name and roll over and go back to sleep, or he could tell Axel to go the hell away and request to move out the next morning… Or he could let him kiss him and go back to sleep, or rationally do… something. He stared at the redhead, who was staring with great interest at the comforter on Roxas's bed.

"Axel…" Was all he could manage. He didn't know what to do at all. The idea of shoving away his best friend was unimaginable, and he didn't want to idly give into one of Axel's whims with no feeling in it. Especially since it was the first kiss he'd ever remember. There was something in the way that Roxas whispered Axel's name that told him that even if he did do it, it wouldn't be as idle and meaningless as he was afraid it would be.

His friend didn't seem eager to wait for him to decide, and took his silence as a sign of rejection. "I, uh… Guess that got fucked up, huh?" Axel mumbled, unfolding himself and heading for his own bed. Roxas caught his skinny wrist and stared at him, blue eyes bright in the darkness.

"No." He told him firmly. Maybe Roxas wasn't sure about a lot of things, but he was sure that he _didn't_ want Axel leaving him there to ponder on that question all night long. Not by himself, at least. He looked at him intently, giving his wrist a small tug. "_No_."

So Axel sat back down on the bed, unsure what to expect. He really didn't want to stay by Roxas if he was going to just talk about things and explain that… that he just _couldn't_. He really had never had any proof that Roxas would accept such a suggestion, but Axel was an honest person and couldn't hold something like that in from someone. "I'm sorry, Roxas." He mumbled.

Roxas watched him for a long, silent moment, then crawled out from under his blankets. "Don't be." He murmured, steeling himself to find out what he wanted to know. He crawled over to Axel and stared at eyes for a moment before awkwardly setting his swollen lips on Axel's.

Immediately, Roxas knew the answer to his question. The kiss, however unexpected and confused, was not cold. It was like a sudden jolt of sensation through his lips and his mouth, and _Christ_, Axel knew what he was doing. Roxas hadn't expected to like the twisted mixture of kissing Axel and the cut on his lip that stung with the heat from the two of them. It wasn't empty, it was something more and more and every instant brought something new and more to Roxas. He fell away from the kiss an eternity after, gasping for breath and _more_. The older teen fell, desperation in his eyes, begging Roxas to not let him know if it was pity on him. He wouldn't want to know, his green eyes told Roxas, and Roxas's blue eyes told him that it wasn't at all. He didn't know what it was, but it wasn't pity, and it wasn't spiteful. They lay together, grabbing for air to fill their lungs before turning and staring silently at one another.

Neither wanted, nor could have if they really _had_ wanted, to break the silence that was isolating them from the rest of the world. Neither knew what to say, nor what was going to happen next, nor even how they were going to deal with this come morning. They just wanted to lie together and _fuck_ the tomorrows that would come to them; they couldn't worry about them right then. Axel could have asked him for permission again, but he didn't, simply leaned over and reignited Roxas's senses merely by brushing over his lips again.

Roxas saw his lips moving, and they were saying 'thank you', but Roxas wasn't sure if Axel was speaking or only mouthing them.

And he, Roxas, couldn't have known that this feeling was even possible if Axel hadn't asked such a simple question. He would have never even contemplated it, but Axel had and he was, and Roxas's mind was spinning and swirling away at it. It was consuming his thoughts and everything about him, and he understood what it was and what it wasn't.

He knew. He just didn't know how to put it into words.

**End Chapter Four**


	6. Closer

**Ill Repute**

**Note: This story has about three or four more chapters left in it. It will only last as long as the song does in stanzas… but before anyone gets too upset, it does look at this point in time like there will be… a sequel. I've been agonizing over whether or not to make a sequel or simply add more chapters. But this story itself is meant to go one particular way, and the sequel wouldn't quite follow. In fact, all along, this story just seems to have been leading to another story. It will follow along with another song… but I'm pretty sure the sequel will actually follow along two or three songs, and will likely be longer than _Ill Repute_. The only song I know that I will be using for sure is "The Bleeding Heart Show" by The New Pornographers, and the other songs will also be by them as well. So, don't be sad when I say this story is over. I will immediately begin the sequel when this one is finished.**

"_And when I let him in I feel the stitches getting sicker. I try to wash him out but like they say: the blood is thicker. I see my mother in my face but only when I travel. I run as fast as I can run. But Jack comes tumbling after..." –The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter Five: Closer**

Roxas was the first to wake the next morning and it was in the fuzzy haze of his thoughts that it hit him that he was lying in bed with his roommate. Wearing nothing more than his boxers. Upon quick examination, it was discovered that Axel was wearing no more or less than he was. And they weren't merely _lying_ together, but tangled within one another, a horseshoe puzzle of arms and legs. Roxas tried to recall _why_ this had happened while he gingerly tore himself from the other teen.

"Fuck." The word hit the air with the force of a bomb being dropped. It wasn't to mean that he _regretted_, per se, but merely that he had no way of knowing how to deal with it now. The cruel light of day had a way of showing the bitter side of things hidden by the passionate night. He dressed quickly and left Axel sleeping on his bed. He wasn't hungry, and even if he were, he didn't even know how to look at anyone straight with this change of the status quo. Instead, he went and did the only place he knew to. His movements were stiff as he walked straight down the hall to one particular room and began hammering on the door with his fist. There was no answer. He began hammering away again, this time eliciting groans from within the room, the creaking of a mattress, and footsteps.

"Whaddya want?" Demyx yawned in his face.

"Sora. I need to talk to Sora. Can I see Sora?" Roxas stumbled over the words. "…Now?" He added as an afterthought.

Demyx opened the door, yawned again, and dragged his feet all the way back to his bed with all the grace and thought of a zombie. "Sora… It's… your brother." He managed before dropping on his bed, pulling the covers over himself, and going back to sleep.

Sora moaned and pulled the covers over his head.

Roxas kneeled by the bed and shook his brother lightly. "Sora?"

"Nngh. Goway."

"Sora, I need… I need your help." Roxas didn't yell at his brother to wake him up, but found that conversationally talking to him would wake him easier than anything else. However, the urging in his voice sent a shiver of worry running through Sora, and he sat up immediately, wide awake and worried.

"What's wrong?" His blue eyes were searching Roxas's for answers. Roxas looked away, almost embarrassed that his twin could look in his eyes and _know_. "_Roxas_."

The blond took Sora's hand and tugged him toward the door. "Outside." Sora grumbled, but followed, taking a moment to adjust his sleeping pants, as they had twisted during the night.

In the hallway, Sora turned to Roxas. "Now, what's wrong?"

Roxas hadn't known it would be so hard to just spit out those few words. It was tough, and he was stumbling miserably over them. "I… Or, I mean… _Fuck_." He was tugging insistently on his own blond locks, willing them to come up with answers for Sora; a way to explain why he'd woken him up at six am on a Saturday for help. "AxelaskedmeiffhecouldkissmelastnightandIdidn'tanswerbutIkissedhimandnowIdon'tknowwhattodo."

Sora took a moment to comprehend what Roxas had said, and whether it was because it was only a jumbled run-on word, or because he honestly didn't know what to say wasn't clear. "Okay." He swallowed and sunk down with his back to the wall. Roxas sat opposite him. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Roxas had no idea what Sora was getting at.

Sora sighed impatiently. "Well, what did it feel like? Was it like kissing a cold fish or something? Do you want to move out?"

Roxas stared for a moment, deliberating. "…No…" He whispered softly.

Sora pulled his knees up to his chest and looked up at the ceiling. "Then how did it make you feel?"

Roxas hadn't really thought of it like that. "Really nice." He puzzled, then added. "Warm. It was like… like…" Roxas didn't have words for whatever it was.

"Going home." Sora provided with a smile. "Or what home would have been like if it weren't for…" His smile faded. He didn't need to finish. Roxas understood. _If it weren't for Dad. If it weren't for the pain and the fear._ He didn't need memories to know what Sora meant. Sometimes he wished that he had his memories and Sora didn't, Sora was so haunted by them. But, then again, it was that feeling and wish that was the reason that he didn't have any memories to start with.

"Yeah. Just like that."

Sora's eyes were still shadowed and sad. He looked back down from the ceiling. "Roxas…" There was something he thought Roxas should know. "You know Riku, right?"

Roxas nodded, recalling the silver-haired boy just a year older than Sora and he were. He had always gone to the school they were at then, but had known Sora for as long as either of them could remember. He and Sora were the closest of close, and Roxas sometimes felt excluded by the memories they shared that he couldn't even come close to recalling. "Yeah. I know Riku." It wasn't that Riku was a bad person. It was just that Roxas was very jealous of how close he could be with _his_ twin.

Sora looked uncomfortable. "He's not just… a friend." He whispered, and his voice was cracking. "We've been… together… for a while. That's when things started getting really…" Sora's whole body was shaking violently. "Really bad for you."

"But why?"

Sora's eyes were crystal clear. "You wanted to take it all on yourself. You… didn't want anything to happen to me… And I'm sorry. You should have had the chance to be happy. You gave up everything so I could be."

"Well, are you?"

Sora only nodded. His eyes told the rest of the story. Yes, he was happy. He would have given everything to stay with Riku. He was _happy_. And that was enough for Roxas to accept everything that had happened. "The night… you… disappeared…" His face was crimson. "Was… the night I… and Riku… we…"

"Oh." Roxas whispered faintly. "Were you okay…? After I left, I mean."

Sora nodded miserably. "Yeah. I was. You weren't." He crawled across the hallway and sat next to his twin. "Roxas… if you're happy with Axel, I want you to go do whatever it is you have to do to make sure you stay happy. You never were before." Bright blue met bright blue. "You smiled, but they weren't real smiles. I can't tell you happy I am to see you really smile again, Roxas."

The two hugged one another tightly. "What am I going to do about everyone else?" Roxas whispered to his brother.

"Fuck everyone else. If you're happy with him, be happy with him and don't think about anyone else. They don't matter, anyway." Roxas was extremely surprised to hear such strong language out of _Sora_, of all people, but shook off his surprise and accepted it as Sora merely being passionate.

"…Alright." He whispered.

"You woke me up at an ungodly hour to ask me if it was okay?" Sora teased, pushing his brother lightly on the shoulder.

"Well I could have told you over breakfast. I didn't know if that would be okay, though." He pushed back.

Sora gave Roxas another playful shove. "No, maybe not. You might have been too _embarrassed_." Sora jumped and pulled Roxas up with him, pushing him toward his own room. "Now just go back in there and go back to sleep. And don't worry about what's going to happen later on. It's going to work out, I swear." He padded toward his own room, and left Roxas standing silently in the hallway. A moment after Sora had already gone back into his room, Roxas headed down to his, stripped back down to his boxers and climbed back into bed.

Axel was a warm and welcoming bedmate, as he opened his arms and held Roxas in a tight, warm embrace. "Mm…" Roxas felt a rustling of breath in his hair and curled up a bit into the warm arms and chest. Maybe Sora was right. Maybe things were going to be alright after all. He breathed in the smell of his own bed, and the strange way it mingled with Axel's smell to make a comforting mix of both. An equilibrium of _them_. He leaned into the smell, trying to take in as much of it as he could before Axel's scent took precedence and overpowered the smell of Roxas's bed.

It was almost ten by the time the two of them woke simultaneously (or, rather, Axel woke up awkwardly and woke Roxas with him) and dressed silently. It was only when Axel started for the door without speaking to Roxas that the blond seized his wrist.

"You aren't going to talk to me?" He whispered, worried that maybe it was just a trick the moonlight had played on the two of them.

Axel turned slowly, trying desperately not to show his relief that Roxas had broken the taboo of speaking first. "I wasn't sure you were okay."

"I'd have kicked your ass out of my bed if I weren't."

"Oh. But I…" Axel couldn't seem to find words. He was just so… _self-conscious_ about everything.

"Hush." Roxas told him, awkwardly giving the tall redhead a quick kiss. "Let's go get some breakfast." He started toward the door first then, leaving Axel to stare blankly after the blond before a grin spread over his face.

"I bet I could beat you down there." He laughed and darted through the door first. Roxas laughed and started after him, but then stopped short at the top of the stairs, laughing as Axel tumbled down the stairs, landing at the bottom in an undignified lump.

"Are you okay?" Roxas called tentatively.

"Yeah… I won, though!" Axel picked himself up and cringed, tapping on his swollen nose lightly. "You did a number on me yesterday."

Roxas only raised his eyebrows as he walked past. "You did the same to me." He responded airily. "Besides, you hit me first."

"I did not. You provoked me. That's as bad."

"Whatever." Roxas rolled his eyes and stepped into the kitchen, rubbing his bruised chest. "You pounded me pretty bad, though."

"Hey, don't worry, Roxas. I'll pound you even better another time."

He winked. Roxas felt his face burn under the stares of what had to be _every other boy_ in the house. The sound of a fork dropping against a plate echoed through the room, and Axel burst into nervous giggles, dragging Roxas into the cooking area.

"I _hate_ you." Roxas hissed, trying to ignore the stares that were burning into his back.

Axel waved his hand and laughed. "Yeah, yeah." He dragged out a pot and poured some milk into it before setting it on the stove for oatmeal. It was a long moment before the others giggled a little and went back to their breakfast and Roxas dared to turn around. Sora was staring at him, still open-mouthed.

Roxas rolled his eyes and waved his hand, shaking his head. _I'll explain later._ He mouthed.

On the plus side, however, now Roxas was saved the experience of explaining to everyone the way things had just become. Everyone now already assumed it, so it was just easier to continue on with life with Axel.

Who was, at that moment, leaning in the refrigerator. "Hey, Roxas," He called over his shoulder. "You like sausages, right?"

Roxas could only stare at him in horror.

**End Chapter Five**


	7. Taboos

**Ill Repute**

**Note: I got a review last time saying that things were going too fast between Axel and Roxas… I don't recall who left it, but for all who feel this way, I assure you that it will be quite different than you think… This chapter in particular was difficult to write, because it's leading into the end of the story, but appears to be going in a direction it's not. In other words, there's a plot twist. One I'm surprised no one has asked about yet, but it's there, and it's the reason there is going to be a sequel. **

"_And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out. And I'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down. On 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact: I'm half jill, and half jack." –The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter Six: Taboos**

Perfect acceptance of the new state of affairs between Axel and Roxas was not really expected on the side of the latter, and it certainly was far from "perfect". It wasn't a spoken thing, and no one in the house actually came out and said it, but there was an underlying tension among several of the boys. Cid never addressed it, but he had his own reasons, and among them was the simple fact that he did not wish to interfere on behalf of either side. There was no need to open a rift with playing "favorites". Cid decided that if there really was a problem, the boys with it would have to learn to deal with it and accept that there were other issues more important than whether or not one of their housemates had different tastes.

As for the rest of the world as they knew it, it was non-existent. They were rarely seen out together, perhaps only on the way to and from school. It was a strained, confused sort of affair, and neither quite knew what they were doing, or what they were supposed to expect from it. It didn't make any sense, not to Roxas at least. He went along with it, hoping it would justify itself as they went along, but weeks and months passed and Roxas still didn't understand _why_. He knew that there was something that kept him from reacting negatively, but… Roxas wanted to _understand_. Was he supposed to?

More importantly, did he want to? Roxas was having more frequent headaches, as he was more frequently wondering about the memories he didn't have. Sora knew some, but not all, and did not tell him the things that had made all his memories leave. Sometimes, Roxas pushed through the headaches and tried to remember everything, or anything. Eventually, there was something. A single phrase that drove out any idea that things were okay and they would work themselves out. A single phrase that isolated Roxas and made it so he cared about understanding.

"_Roxas, you're so heartless! Maybe you can't care about anyon—"_

And no matter how hard Roxas tried to suppress that memory, it refused to leave his mind. He didn't know who had said it, or why… but maybe… what if… they were right. There had to be a reason for them to say such a thing to him.

There was a day in which Axel had detention, or a make-up chemistry lab, or _something_, and Roxas went home alone. He ignored everyone's attempts to talk to him, and shut himself in the room. He needed to think. He needed to understand. He needed… something more than this blind, empty feeling that led him to do things with Axel every night when the lights were off. Things that were silent purely because noise was a taboo Roxas had on more than one occasion come close to breaking. But he liked the silence. It told no secrets. He was _blind_. He was _deaf_… Roxas felt like a fool in a game he didn't want to get out of. As much as he'd try to stop and get answers necessary for him to make a choice, he found himself caught back in the game. It was like he didn't really want to get out. He had been making half-hearted attempts up until then.

There was a knock at the door. Roxas didn't move.

Again, and once again, silence greeted the knocker.

"Roxas, I want to talk to you." Sora. It was Sora. His brother. He could talk to Sora.

The blond twin stood and trudged over to the door, opening it gloomily.

"You look pleasant." Sora observed in sarcasm.

Roxas stepped aside and allowed Sora to step in. "Just been thinking about things."

"Did you and Axel fight?"

"No."

"Did you fail a Geometry test?"

"No."

"Biology?"

"_No._" Roxas was annoyed.

Sora sat down at his desk. "I know." He told him quietly. "Would you like to tell me what it is?"

There was a long silence as Roxas stood silently and stared at him. He sighed, and then sat down on the bed. The silence extended further as he set his head in his hands.

"I'm not capable of caring for someone." He confessed quietly.

Sora's eyebrows raised. "Bull."

Roxas looked up at his brother. "No, Sora. I mean it. I don't think I can care for someone like you care for Riku. I just… I feel empty. I feel… stupid. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it… Just that I'm doing it and I don't understand why. Every time I try and think about it, or bring it up, something happens and I'm back to not understanding why I'm doing what I'm doing."

Sora was quiet for a long time. "So Axel knows that this is what you think, right?"

"I guess."

"Roxas…"

"Don't feel sorry for me, Sora. It's just not like you and Riku."

"So you don't think you love him, is that it?" Sora sounded incredulous at his brother's logic. "That's a big step to make, Roxas… You don't have to imme—"

"It's purely physical." Roxas cut in, a bit coldly. "I don't think I ever can. I don't think I can at all. With anyone."

Sora was quiet for a long moment. "I don't think that's true, Roxas."

"I do."

Sora sighed.

"Sora, not everyone is as accepting as you are. I really appreciate that you have accepted me, and this… And I know that you know that this is hard, but it's even harder when I haven't got very much faith in this to start with."

"Don't you feel _anything_ with him?"

"I like having him around. I like kissing him. I like how he makes me feel when we… do anything." He sighed. "We don't talk much, though. We aren't seen together much. I have to defend something I'm not sure of to a group of people I care about, by their looks alone. They don't have to say a word for me to understand." And there, Roxas had broken the taboo of speaking. "And I have to do it all alone, and blind to the reasons why."

"I don't know that I can help you, Roxas." Sora stood up, then kneeled in front of his brother, taking his hands away from his face and holding them. "But I want you to know that I'm always here for you, no matter what. I'm not going to hold anything against you." He frowned. "I don't know what's going on, or why you feel the way you do now, but if he makes you feel something that makes it worth it, then you should follow that." He stood up and gave Roxas a smile. "I better see you at dinner." He gave his twin a light punch on the shoulder and left him in the awful silence.

Roxas stayed there for a long time, before the hammering of heavy boots announced that Axel was coming. The door creaked open and the floorboards moaned in protest to their age and ill-repair.

"Roxas?" His voice was hoarse and strained, and Roxas could tell that it had been a bad day. Maybe this conversation was left for a better day…

Roxas mentally slapped himself. If he wanted answers, he needed to know then. The redhead sat down next to him, then sunk to lay his head against the pillow and curl around the younger teen. "What's wrong?" He asked quietly.

"I want to understand why."

Axel sat up. "Not this again."

Roxas didn't turn to look at him, even as Axel sighed in frustration. "I have reasons to want to know why."

Axel seized the teen and forced him to look at him. "You don't have to understand everything, Roxas." He hissed and forced his mouth on the other, who struggled furiously and shoved him off.

"Axel, you're not listening!" Roxas cried, even as he was pinned down and looking up into Axel's furious pools of green.

"No, Roxas, _you_ aren't." He whispered. "Because if you had been, you'd understand that this isn't just about you. You think I'm not taking just as much shit as you are? You think I understand this anymore than you do? I know that it's _right_, and that's enough for me. There aren't many things in this world that make sense, or can be explained, and there are even less things that are right… So when I know something's right, I follow it." There was no denying that _this_ Axel was the same one that Roxas had first met; the one that had fought him in the streets.

"I don't always need answers. Neither do you. Do you have to understand why up is up and down is down? Do you need to understand everything that happens in the world?" The change back was seamless. "_This_ is right, Roxas. Stop asking questions."

"I'm not capable of feeling anything like Sora does for Riku… Not for you. Not for anyone."

Axel's eyes darkened in sadness and disappointment, he laid his weight on Roxas, who didn't protest. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly. "That's a lie."

"I don't regret anything, and I feel _something_, but it's not like Sora."

"It doesn't have to be." Normally, Axel's voice would have risen, but it didn't. It was low and even and sad. "I told you it doesn't have to make sense. How am I supposed to prove that there's something here. That there's something that's tying us together and making it impossible for…" He stopped short and sighed. "For stuff."

Roxas stared. "What are you talking about? Stuff?"

Axel frowned. "Don't worry about it right now. I want to… I want to fix this before anything."

"There's nothing to fix."

Axel looked at Roxas sternly. "You're just being obstinate now. Wake up, Roxas. You and I both know that we wouldn't do the things we do… Goddammit, we wouldn't be _fucking_ _every_ _night_ if there weren't _something_… And you know it, too."

Roxas was quiet for a long time. "I—"

"Not a word more about it. I don't know if this has something to do with you not remembering anything, or if someone said something to you, but you've got to trust yourself on things like these."

"Axel… I…" Were those the beginnings of tears? "I don't even know where we're going with this."

"You don't have to. You don't have to know what you're doing, or where it's going. Just… _enjoy it_, won't you?" There was a sad smile. "You never know how long it's all going to last, you know?"

Well, Roxas decided, _that_ was cryptic.

Axel rolled off him to lie next to him. "That's how I look at it, at least. I know that I like having you around, and I like how I feel with you." He turned and looked at him. "Whether you know it or not, you're one of the most caring people I know." He smiled. "You gave everything for Sora, and I think you still would. You let your opinion of me change, after I gave you no reason to. You let your mind open up to something that I don't know you ever thought of before, and you've made me happier than anyone should be in this place."

"But… it may not last." He echoed Axel's earlier words.

Axel smiled. "No, maybe it won't. And maybe it will."

There was loud, rapid-fire knocking on the door. "Roxas! Axel!"

The two exchanged a glance. "Demyx?" Roxas whispered and went to open the door.

The taller blond tumbled into the room, shaking and crying and throwing himself pitifully against Roxas. Axel was up in an instant, helping Roxas drag Demyx to the bed.

"What's going on?" Axel demanded.

"It's… terrible. Xaldin found him. In their room. He… He… killed…" Demyx couldn't finish, and collapsed back into miserable sobs.

Immediately, both understood what had happened. Roxas sat heavily on the bed. Xaldin was Zexion's roommate. "Why?" Was all he could manage. Axel was frozen.

"I don't… know." Demyx choked. Roxas looked up at Axel. He had been right. Things didn't always last. Axel had been there much longer than Roxas. This probably wasn't the first end he'd seen.

"How's Xaldin?" He asked softly.

"A mess." Demyx was crying so hard. "I never thought it'd… happen… again…"

They helped him get back to his room and to Sora, who was in shock and crying silently. On the way back, Roxas sank against the wall, his own tears sliding angry and hot down his cheeks. "Again?" He whispered to Axel, who was sitting next to him, head hung low and his knees curled to his chest.

Axel nodded. "One of Demyx's old roommates. That's why it's so hard on him. He and Marluxia had gotten really close. They were both orphans." He shook his head. "I didn't want to see it again while I was here. I thought I wasn't going to." His shoulders shook and Roxas realized that Axel was finally crying and shaking and he was almost as bad as Demyx had been.

The home was quiet, broken by the occasional banging on a wall, or a long wail that didn't seem like it would be from the lips of a man, or the sound of paramedics coming for Zexion, too late to save him, and the awful, awful sound of silence.

Roxas realized that he hated the silence more than anything.

**End Chapter Six**


	8. Juxtaposition

**Ill Repute**

**Note: I know my updates have been much faster than the past few, but I hope you all can understand… I was in London before the last update, and I only came home from England on Friday, which meant that there was a month's worth of life to catch up on with my family. As for what happened to Zexion… Well, you'll find out what happened, if you haven't already realized. It's a kind of situation that, if in a story that is meant to have some kind of believability, would not be fully explained at the moment of discovery. Regardless, it's going to make sense now.**

**This chapter was one of the hardest for me to write, in all my time writing. I think it is because it was, plot-wise, the obvious end to the story, and I probably knew, but not as well as when I realized it was _the end_. There WAS going to be a short epilogue to follow this chapter, but it would do absolutely nothing to change what happens at the end of this chapter, so I opted out of it. There is, of course, the sequel… And now I think you will all understand why the sequel presented itself. This was the eventual end of the story as I always imagined it. I'll see you all in the sequel!**

"_I'm halfway home now. Half hoping for a showdown, 'cause I'm not big enough to house this crowd. It might destroy me but I'd sacrifice my body if it meant I'd get the jack part OUT."—The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**Chapter Seven: Juxtaposition**

The weather was sickeningly cheerful the day of Zexion's funeral: bright, sunny, warm. It was a day everyone would have otherwise enjoyed, were it not for the fact that they were stuck in the stifling chapel where the ceremony was being held. They wouldn't be able to see him one last time, because the casket was closed. There hadn't been much the mortician could have done to make him up to look as though he were sleeping. The dead boy had seen to that himself when he hung himself… with a piano string. The blood from his slit throat had sprayed across the room and when Xaldin had opened the door, he was greeted with the sight of his dead roommate. Now, no one else would see him.

No reason was given for his suicide. Zexion had always been quiet and sad and depressed about his situation in life. No one knew much about what had brought him to the home. Just a fire that had killed his entire family, except him, as far as they knew. No one but Cid, and the boys of the home, and Zexion's social worker were at the funeral, a fact made painfully obvious by the fact that the small group only filled two pews in the small chapel. As they stood around the hole where the casket was about to be lowered into, Roxas looked up at Axel with doubt and pain in his eyes.

"I don't understand why this happened." He whispered just under the sound of the priest chanting.

"You don't have to understand, Roxas. It just does." Axel didn't even look down at the other boy.

"He had no reason to kill himself."

"You say that, but you don't _know_."

"Know what?" Roxas's voice raised in volume slightly.

No one looked at them to silence either of them. "What he was going through. You couldn't understand everything he thought. Maybe it was best for him, and maybe he had plenty of reason to want to."

"He could have talked to us. Someone. Gotten help."

"It's not that easy, and you know it." Axel still hadn't looked at him.

The priest closed his bible and the group silently crossed themselves and broke up. Cid was silently stoic and some of the boys wandered listlessly toward him. Neither Axel nor Roxas moved from their place beside the grave.

"It's so senseless." Roxas spat, bitter at the world.

"Everything is, Roxas." Axel turned and walked away. It wasn't too far a walk to the home from the cemetery, and Axel would have walked miles home if only to give him time to get away and think. But he had nowhere else to go, and he was too tired to be angry, and too… He wouldn't cry. Axel wasn't sure he knew how to anymore.

Roxas followed him quietly, and after a few blocks, Axel finally found words to speak.

"I just thought I'd make it through my time in _that place_ without having to see another suicide." He kept his eyes focused on the sidewalk that stretched ahead of them. He looked up to the sky as he stopped and leaned against a wall, a hand limply pressed to his forehead, covering an eye. "I was so close to getting away, too."

This bit of information hit Roxas through his misery, and shot like a bullet straight to the very center of his existence. "What are you talking about?" His voice was soft and forced calm.

Axel finally looked at him with a wry smile. "Don't you know? We all get out of the system when we're eighteen."

"How… old are you, Axel?" Roxas's voice was faint.

Axel stepped away from the wall and started walking again. He stopped and looked back at Roxas. "I'll be eighteen in a week."

Roxas's breath was short, even before he caught up with Axel. "Then what?" He demanded.

"I'm going to college in the fall."

"Where at?" Roxas breathed, hardly believing that Axel hadn't even mentioned this before.

"Away from here."

Roxas stiffened, slowing down. "Where are you going when you turn eighteen?"

Axel never turned around. "I've got a place I'm moving into... But sooner than that, I think now…" His gaze looked longingly up to the sky for a moment, but he continued on.

Roxas finally stopped, and shook his head in disbelief. "Axel…"

The redhead kept walking. "What?"

"Is this what you meant when you said you didn't know how long it would last?"

"I hoped maybe I'd get to hold onto you a little longer."

"What do you mean, you'd _hoped_?"

"I'm never looking back, Roxas. I'm getting the hell out of this place and I'm never, never looking back. I'm done." Axel didn't sound angry, only resigned, and hurt, and pained, and _tired_.

"But, Axel, I--"

"No, Roxas. You'll get along fine without me. You have memories to recover, and then deal with. You have Sora. You have two years ahead of you before you're getting out of this place… You'll see more of this. Close calls, and the real thing… You'll survive. And then you'll understand."

Roxas, very suddenly, had no control over himself anymore. All his composure over himself was lost with his restraints on his emotions. "Axel!" He cried and collided with the redhead's back very suddenly, crying and pounding on it. "You can't… please…"

An arm shot out and pushed him away. Roxas stumbled away and felt as though Axel had punched him in the gut. It wasn't until years later that he realized that the shove had been as desperate as his hands grasping for Axel… That Axel had been trying gently to push him back so as to hurt him less, as though the psychological blow was enough. The blond was left to stand there in stunned silence until Axel was around the corner.

It was then that it hit him like a bucket of ice water over his head. "I… I… Axel! Axel!" He broke into a frantic run, but when he turned the corner, he could only see Axel's back retreating down yet another street.

"I love you!" He screamed at that back, pursuing it fruitlessly, sobbing all the way through his screams. "Axel! I love you! I love you! I love you! _I love you!_"

He finally collapsed, no idea where he was, except that he was lost and crying and exhausted and hoarse. "I love you…" He whispered and panted and cried and screamed with his whole body, throat screaming from ill use and his fists fell angrily against the pavement.

"I… love you."

"_See Jack run."_ _–The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"_

**End**


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